Friday, January 25, 2013

Commitment issues

Apparently I have a commitment problem.

For as long as I can remember I’ve committed to things and people, with minimal moaning and groaning, I usually push through and get things done. I have been married eight years to one of the most difficult man I know…well, I committed to my dad too.
And these two kids of mine!!!! Even with the many reasons to want to quit, I stick around. Like when they wake up at 5am every morning for no reason, and especially that time they oiled up my couch and were so proud to have cleaned it for me.  LOL

I’ve committed to school to a level that I am quite happy with; I could have gone even further, but I realize more and more that school isn’t quite “in” anymore ( I will never say those things in front of Alexa and Dimitri btw). So I am content, happy and enjoying my little simple life as it is.

Right now though, as I am typing this, I should be in boot camp, working out. Guess what? I am not. I can’t even talk myself into going. I am literally ashamed to even discuss it, but the bottom line is that I cannot commit to it. I refuse to do it. My brain can't process it.

Go ahead, tell me about all the benefits and how I am overweight and should do this, loose that, eat this and that. I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t have it in me to do it and most importantly commit to it.

I was talking to a friend earlier who summed it up by saying that in a way I am not committed to myself, to my health and well being. I was taken aback at first but quickly agreed that he is right. How can I know that something is good for me yet can’t commit to doing it?

But deep down inside I want to lose weight and know exactly what I need to do to lose it. (This post should be a blog btw)...keep reading. FB is my vent machine.

You know how I know that I want to lose it, cause I get so ashamed when I look at myself, knowing that I could be pretty only if I lose all of these damn pounds. Not being able to buy the clothes I want and by being complimented on having a pretty face. Most importantly by feeling unhealthy, being out of breath for no reason and feeling so tired all the time.

Oh, I am not depressed. I know you all self made psychologist have already pulled out a pen analyzing my level of craziness. Check yourselves. We all have that one or two things that we just can't commit to doing.

I have said YOLO so many times, yet I come right back to the same spot. Because deep down I am not happy with being, looking and feeling this way.

Can my head let me be ok with my body?

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