Tonight I will babble and call it a blog. I blog when I am upset, annoyed or plain frustrated about things. Sometimes so personal that the words just slowly eat at me, or land in the ears of an unlucky person J
This post will be somewhat personal as for you to truly understand the point I will attempt to make you have to understand my reality. As I have lived it for 20 some years now. I don’t need pity, I am not typing as a victim, but as someone who has experienced a few things. Nothing remotely close to what most have experienced in their lifetime though.
How free are you to be yourself? Independent, to do what you please (within limits, I guess), to be happy? To live out your dreams and potentials; how free are you to be you, the individual you were created to be. How hindered are you too? Made up? Compromised? Trapped? What are some of your fears? Can you dare step out of the box you’ve created for you?
My head is constantly filled with these questions; early on in my adolescent years, I struggled a lot with being myself, not that I was not allowed to be, but thinking back I realized that I wasn’t encouraged to be either. It was almost always about fitting in, pleasing this person, that friend, etc. I grew up with the best set of parents one could maybe ask for. Dad being military often times ordered us around, still very attentive and affectionate. Mom was your typical submissive Haitian wife, very caring and dutiful to her family. Growing up I prayed to be just like her, to follow right in her footstep and play that role, the role that us women are supposed to skillfully master.
I didn’t. I haven’t. I stopped praying for that actually. Still in my teens I was sexually abused, by a man, someone close, whom I trusted. For a long time I acted as if the abuse meant nothing to me. Oprah became my sole therapist as I continued to perform on life’s stage, often alone and lonely. I became prisoner of myself, prisoner of this secret, and how it really affected me. I was more concerned about protecting everyone around me and the few people who knew were sworn to secrecy, as my parents were forbidden from ever knowing this truth. (Crap, mom is on FB and is probably reading this as we speak).
From then to now, life happened. School, marriage, kids. I was still caged, maybe still am to some extent. For a while I lived trapped in my head and my body. My self esteem along with my many dreams became nonexistent. I focused on what my ideas of a great life and a great marriage should be, barely living one. Few people noticed, funny how you can make people believe whatever they want about you and your life. The other day I asked how do people know that President Obama and his wife are happy, not because I was being a pest, but because I know how it is to “look and act” happy.
I can’t blame my abuse for all my bad moments in life, but it did change me and basically shifted my source of energy. I tried to turn to God for solace, but a man of God had abused me. So, I went to church, but with caution. God wasn’t responsible, but church became more of a social place than a spiritual, so I went, prayed but that was it. No real connection was made with God, for a while. I know better now though, I trust God, only. Everyone else is just trying to act like they are Gods. My opinion.
I decided, almost two years ago to be free, to live freely. I opted for being an individual. I left all of my pains away two years ago, ran to the motherland to redefine myself. I know who I am now, my strengths and my weaknesses. I am still so weak, as I am a work in progress but I am progressing, all that matters at this point. I decided that my happiness depended on me and no one else. It is a hard life, being happy and unhindered requires commitment. Not caring and focusing on me, being an individual and holding on to my freedom as a person are some of the most important things in my life right now.
I love my husband, my family, my kids … but not more than feeling liberated and free. Not more than the strength I get in being me, as weird and weird and ….only weird keeps coming to my head.
I bite when I feel that my freedom and space are threatened. It took me a while; I am actually still at it, to trust again. My happiness revolves around me feeling safe, not by anyone, but by myself. I trust what I can do, within my limits. I trust myself, if I do it; it means I can handle what comes with doing it. Once it takes away from my peace of mind, it no longer interests me. So, I don’t bother with it.
LOL, BTW, I can sense it. The psychologists are probably at it again, analyzing me, Enjoy!
Females have a harder time finding happiness, in my opinion, as we are often shadowed by what makes our husbands or mates happy and believe it to be our own happiness. We lose our identity as we get married, I started forgetting I was named “Daphne” as I became “Mme Vlad” the day I said “I do”. People, marriage and relationships are great; this isn’t my point here though. I am not discussing the blessed union of marriage. I am discussing individualism, women individualism to be more precise.
Ok, now the overzealous Christians have surely joined the psychologist in judging me. Thy shalt not judge. Ya’ll better go repent somewhere J
Seek it, trust that God will help you find it, but first define it. Happiness isn’t the same for everyone, my happy life could well be your miserable life and vice versa. Define and accept your happiness, know your limits and always claim your freedom. Be free to think for yourself, decide for yourself and act for yourself. I am not telling you to go crazy, but follow your heart from time to time and do what pleases you.
If you are hindered from being yourself, chances are you are not happy. I am just saying. I am no Oprah though.