Monday, January 28, 2013

Dare to be free?

Tonight I will babble and call it a blog. I blog when I am upset, annoyed or plain frustrated about things. Sometimes so personal that the words just slowly eat at me, or land in the ears of an unlucky person J
This post will be somewhat personal as for you to truly understand the point I will attempt to make you have to understand my reality. As I have lived it for 20 some years now. I don’t need pity, I am not typing as a victim, but as someone who has experienced a few things. Nothing remotely close to what most have experienced in their lifetime though.
How free are you to be yourself? Independent, to do what you please (within limits, I guess), to be happy? To live out your dreams and potentials; how free are you to be you, the individual you were created to be. How hindered are you too? Made up? Compromised? Trapped?  What are some of your fears? Can you dare step out of the box you’ve created for you?
My head is constantly filled with these questions; early on in my adolescent years, I struggled a lot with being myself, not that I was not allowed to be, but thinking back I realized that I wasn’t encouraged to be either.  It was almost always about fitting in, pleasing this person, that friend, etc. I grew up with the best set of parents one could maybe ask for. Dad being military often times ordered us around, still very attentive and affectionate.  Mom was your typical submissive Haitian wife, very caring and dutiful to her family. Growing up I prayed to be just like her, to follow right in her footstep and play that role, the role that us women are supposed to skillfully master.
I didn’t. I haven’t. I stopped praying for that actually. Still in my teens I was sexually abused, by a man, someone close, whom I trusted. For a long time I acted as if the abuse meant nothing to me. Oprah became my sole therapist as I continued to perform on life’s stage, often alone and lonely. I became prisoner of myself, prisoner of this secret, and how it really affected me. I was more concerned about protecting everyone around me and the few people who knew were sworn to secrecy, as my parents were forbidden from ever knowing this truth. (Crap, mom is on FB and is probably reading this as we speak).
From then to now, life happened.  School, marriage, kids. I was still caged, maybe still am to some extent. For a while I lived trapped in my head and my body. My self esteem along with my many dreams became nonexistent.  I focused on what my ideas of a great life and a great marriage should be, barely living one.  Few people noticed, funny how you can make people believe whatever they want about you and your life. The other day I asked how do people know that President Obama and his wife are happy, not because I was being a pest, but because I know how it is to “look and act” happy.
I can’t blame my abuse for all my bad moments in life, but it did change me and basically shifted my source of energy. I tried to turn to God for solace, but a man of God had abused me.  So, I went to church, but with caution. God wasn’t responsible, but church became more of a social place than a spiritual, so I went, prayed but that was it. No real connection was made with God, for a while.  I know better now though, I trust God, only. Everyone else is just trying to act like they are Gods. My opinion.

I decided, almost two years ago to be free, to live freely. I opted for being an individual. I left all of my pains away two years ago, ran to the motherland to redefine myself. I know who I am now, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I am still so weak, as I am a work in progress but I am progressing, all that matters at this point. I decided that my happiness depended on me and no one else.  It is a hard life, being happy and unhindered requires commitment. Not caring and focusing on me, being an individual and holding on to my freedom as a person are some of the most important things in my life right now.
I love my husband, my family, my kids … but not more than feeling liberated and free. Not more than the strength I get in being me, as weird and weird and ….only weird keeps coming to my head.
I bite when I feel that my freedom and space are threatened. It took me a while; I am actually still at it, to trust again. My happiness revolves around me feeling safe, not by anyone, but by myself. I trust what I can do, within my limits. I trust myself, if I do it; it means I can handle what comes with doing it. Once it takes away from my peace of mind, it no longer interests me. So, I don’t bother with it.
LOL, BTW, I can sense it. The psychologists are probably at it again, analyzing me, Enjoy!
Females have a harder time finding happiness, in my opinion, as we are often shadowed by what makes our husbands or mates happy and believe it to be our own happiness. We lose our identity as we get married, I started forgetting I was named “Daphne” as I became “Mme Vlad” the day I said “I do”. People, marriage and relationships are great; this isn’t my point here though. I am not discussing the blessed union of marriage. I am discussing individualism, women individualism to be more precise.
Ok, now the overzealous Christians have surely joined the psychologist in judging me. Thy shalt not judge. Ya’ll better go repent somewhere J
Seek it, trust that God will help you find it, but first define it. Happiness isn’t the same for everyone, my happy life could well be your miserable life and vice versa. Define and accept your happiness, know your limits and always claim your freedom. Be free to think for yourself, decide for yourself and act for yourself. I am not telling you to go crazy, but follow your heart from time to time and do what pleases you.
If you are hindered from being yourself, chances are you are not happy. I am just saying. I am no Oprah though.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Commitment issues

Apparently I have a commitment problem.

For as long as I can remember I’ve committed to things and people, with minimal moaning and groaning, I usually push through and get things done. I have been married eight years to one of the most difficult man I know…well, I committed to my dad too.
And these two kids of mine!!!! Even with the many reasons to want to quit, I stick around. Like when they wake up at 5am every morning for no reason, and especially that time they oiled up my couch and were so proud to have cleaned it for me.  LOL

I’ve committed to school to a level that I am quite happy with; I could have gone even further, but I realize more and more that school isn’t quite “in” anymore ( I will never say those things in front of Alexa and Dimitri btw). So I am content, happy and enjoying my little simple life as it is.

Right now though, as I am typing this, I should be in boot camp, working out. Guess what? I am not. I can’t even talk myself into going. I am literally ashamed to even discuss it, but the bottom line is that I cannot commit to it. I refuse to do it. My brain can't process it.

Go ahead, tell me about all the benefits and how I am overweight and should do this, loose that, eat this and that. I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t have it in me to do it and most importantly commit to it.

I was talking to a friend earlier who summed it up by saying that in a way I am not committed to myself, to my health and well being. I was taken aback at first but quickly agreed that he is right. How can I know that something is good for me yet can’t commit to doing it?

But deep down inside I want to lose weight and know exactly what I need to do to lose it. (This post should be a blog btw)...keep reading. FB is my vent machine.

You know how I know that I want to lose it, cause I get so ashamed when I look at myself, knowing that I could be pretty only if I lose all of these damn pounds. Not being able to buy the clothes I want and by being complimented on having a pretty face. Most importantly by feeling unhealthy, being out of breath for no reason and feeling so tired all the time.

Oh, I am not depressed. I know you all self made psychologist have already pulled out a pen analyzing my level of craziness. Check yourselves. We all have that one or two things that we just can't commit to doing.

I have said YOLO so many times, yet I come right back to the same spot. Because deep down I am not happy with being, looking and feeling this way.

Can my head let me be ok with my body?

Monday, January 7, 2013

Emotional and spiritual jumping jacks :/

I don't believe in New Years resolutions! Mainly because I never keep them and feel like a total failure not even two months into the new year. Like i am still overweight. I typed fat but decided to be nicer to myself :/
The thought of excercizing is still so foreign to me. I had promised myself last year to read more, tweet and facebook less. Nah. Still kept the same pace.
I have thought of many ways to save more. Only to get really broke and simply think of all the ways I should have saved. Shaking My Head.
Ah blogging, I was suppose to do more of that too. And open my online business. Bref, do you get the point?
Whatever motivates most people to make resolutions and actually keep them; I don't have.

Every first of the year though, my mind runs at 100 miles an hour. Looking and silently promising myself  "a change"! A change. What could I possibly commit to doing better this year?
A whole lot! But so far, seven days into 2013 and only one thing thugs at my heart: an emotional and spiritual detox.
I am tired of being vain, thinking and constantly worrying about my looks, smarts and financial well being. This year, although not a resoution, I would like to pay attention to myself , my emotional and spiritual well being. 

Since I have moved to Haiti I have not found a home church. I am actually glad I haven't. I thought that spiritually I needed to be inside a building to trust, serve and be connected to God. It helps. But I don't feel like Ive missed much. For the kids sake I will continue to look. But.... I digress...

2012 was good but the most emotionally charged year I have gone through in a while. I shed a lot of tears. A lot. Resolution kept or not, I made it. My family made it. I am still married ( was supposed to be going through a divorce) and my kids are fine. Were sick a LOT but are healthy. My parents are still alive. Mom is doing so much better. My siblings are well and kicking. Zaria has brought such a fun and pretty addition to our lives. 
In 2013 I would like to shed everything. I'd like to pray more. Medidate more. Keep a journal again and write down how I am emotionally. To be more in tune with my feelings.

I would like to be spiritually and emotionally fit, lean and long. Hopefully, dare again. Like back in 2011(I moved back to Haiti). Take another big jump. Do something I have contemplated doing a while. Who knows. Laugh at my fears. Tackle my fears. Move past them. Do something about them. Discover new fears. I Dont Know.

In 2013 I am better spiritually, because I have decided to be. In 2013 I am better emotionally because I control my emotions and am ready to deal with the things that drain me and bring me heartaches.

So I guess I don't really need to make any new resolutions sinve I have decided and resolved my 2013 fate. It shall be as I pray and wish for. A spiritually and emotionally fit 2013. Eevrything else will fall into place, accordingly.

Happy New Year again :)