Terminal....

 

Someone had this as their status on Facebook today... "It’s easier to wait for the results of an AIDS test, then to wait for those of the Haitian elections"....Now that the results are out, I am not sure which is worse. Haiti has once again been handed a sentence. A terminally ill disease!  Some say that we have been at this cancer for 20 years now...Only blaming the issues on the last group in power. Is that just though? When will we all take responsibility for this raging cancer, that's been eating at us for over 20 years?

Our forefathers left us a gem; we pride ourselves at saying that Haiti was once a pearl, forgetting that we all have contributed to her losing her sparkle. It would take too long and too many strokes to go back and recall every single guilty party, yet we must all respond to the culpable call.

Interesting how we get passionate and feisty when things are going wrong, but we forget that things are ALWAYS wrong in Haiti. We have settled for this way of life, it’s become our standard. The people who have forced this sense of normalcy down our throats know well that we are nowhere near normal…yet we allow them to continue to poison us with their ideals, or lack thereof!

Why is it that as a people we are able to swallow this….over and over? Why do we not only let them rape the country, but us, as the living children of the country? How do we forget so quickly, only to turn right back into the same deep shit we had just recovered from? When will we learn, that we deserve better.  Our kids, from generation to generation are handed down this diseased country without even a prescription, let alone a cure. We are not asking for a magic pill! Nah….far from that, we are merely asking for a conscious effort to be made towards finding a palliative for this cancer.  Everyone’s guilty, guilty of not caring enough, of only caring about ourselves, of not looking at the big picture, of letting this cancer eat at us for so long! We are all guilty of accepting such inadequate care.

Forget the fact that we are sick. It’s already a fact. Now it is up to us, to demand that our illness gets proper care. Because it is curable, we simply need a few doctors who care enough to join the fight and decide that Haiti mustn’t die of this cancer…but that Haiti must continue to be an example of great courage and endurance!

Every Haitian has it in them to win this fight! Let us all become leaders, lovers, defenders, doctors of Haiti…until she’s cured!   

The Haitian elections....these here elections! They have taken over every part of my brain. I eat, sleep, drink, shower and eat some more elections. They have paralyzed me from my regular routine, because I am forever Tuned in, Tweeting or Fbooking...
The other night it was 5am when I woke up to some weird song on Signal FM...I had passed out in front of the laptop.
What to make of these elections though, that is the question? Easy, NOTHING. What a joke afterall, clearly Haitians have lost all of their marbles, by Haitians I guess it would be nice to specify and say Haitian leaders..have lost their marbles. Or maybe its because all of this time we've been thinking that we have leaders!
Since November 28th, my spirit has been sad, sad that once again we missed the mark. Makes me want to scream WHAT NOW? Why is it that everyone sees that a change is needed BUT the ones who can help make the change. How many more songs will be written about Haiti and change? How many more blog entries, poems, tweets, Fbook updates? Why must we continue to be in the news, in a negative way? How come our leaders are not as tired as we are, and actually decide to do something?
I dream of the day when Haiti will be ok, I am not even holding my breath for her to be good. Imagine if our courage and resilience was used in a more productive way? Imagine where we could be right now as a nation.
Haiti needs that one leader who loves her so much that he or she will actually care enough to make that one turn we all need. He or she won't allow anyone into bullying her into doing things that are not in the interest of the country. Haitians will be put first in Haiti, imagine that! Until then, until the day that people, so called leaders stop thinking of personal goals, power and money, Haiti will continue to be in this rut...longing for better days!
Now we all wait for the result of the elections, if the rumors are correct, may God watch over our beloved like never before!

...I am taking the plunge!

Last month, around exactly the same time...I was in a rut! I did not know which foot should go first. I had no idea if I should stand or sit. I am still in a rut technically, because my mind is going at 100 miles per hour, but at least I now not only have lifted a foot, but I have a destination in mind. 

To most, this will sound like the most absurd if not crazy idea on the face of the earth. 

But I am moving back to Haiti. My sail is set to ship out. I will keep you posted as far as a date is concerned. Why? Are you crazy? You would trade your life in America for Cholera? I have heard it all! But yea, if it doesn't work out I will pack up and move back...but for now I am determined to move back home and make the best of every situation hits me!

I moved to the States 15 years ago, and a month after I moved here, I knew in my heart that my place was not here. I have been grateful for the life here but it isn't mine. I have been ranting and chanting that one day I will move back, well...I guess the time has come. 

I am not sure what to expect once I go back home, I imagine that life will be extremely difficult, again its been 15 years, everything in Haiti is different, yet I am ready. Should I postpone this any longer, I will forever live my life wondering how my life would have been had I never left. I might have died in that earthquake, who knows! But I must go, I must know! I have unfinished business with/and in Haiti. The young girl who just packed up and moved is still there and she needs to reconnect with her reality.

That fire in my eyes, I know where it is, I left it there a while back and traded my life for comfort and ease. I had convinced myself all this time that my place was here, yet deep inside I am slowly dying, because my heart belongs there. 

So I am taking the plunge! 

Head first! I will worry about the cuts and the bruises as they occur. 

I long to be there, I yearn to know what my future can hold THERE. I am happy to start 2011 under those terms, I pray that God continues to watch over me because deep inside I know He is sending me there....

In a rut...

I used to think I was different, but then I started thinking that everyone must think the same about themselves. So I stopped thinking that my being and/or feeling different was special! Than it all started going wrong, because as soon as I started ignoring my special differences I started loosing touch with who I really was. I started caring too much about how people would see me and think of me. Then I started loosing my big voice. It became more about "them" then "me" and my purpose.

I love talking to my dad, especially lately, because he never fails to remind me that I have lost that gift, that fire I once had. Today, after our usual chatter, he asked me if I had fallen in a rut...he proceeded to say that he felt as if i was stuck and didn't know how to start off again. Remember the part about how much i love talking to him? Because he is often right on the money. I have been in a rut for 6 months now. Not knowing what foot to put in front of the other. Stuck like chuck...something about 2010, I tell ya! 

Not too long a go, a childhood friend commented that I had lost the little "fire" that I used to have in my eyes, that, based on her observation I am existing instead of  living. I have become complacent, content with just fulfilling the everyday chores and going about my usual business. I have stopped pushing myself, I have stopped living with a real purpose......Light bulb moment! 

I am not even sure why I am sharing this with possibly the entire world, maybe because I am crying out or re-claiming that sense of purpose. Maybe its time I set out to live my full potential and do the things that I know for sure I was made and created to do.

I can only imagine how sweet life must be, if you are living out your dreams and God given potentiality. Even sweeter if while doing that you can touch a few peoples lives and help them get there as well..........

I will know soon, I am on a quest...I know the path, I just need to get back on the road and remain focused!  Because I am differently special...or especially different..........I must start or continue to act like it!

XOXO

Welcome September...

For a while now I hated Septembers. They always reminded me of the saddest moments of my life. Leaving Haiti, leaving home for this now new home. I hated the fact that everything had to change for me. I left my school, my friends to move here on September 9th 1995. Geez, 15 years ago. I cannot even begin to believe that it has been this long.
I still hated Septembers, until about 3 years ago when the month started to mean something else to me. The birth of Alexa.

Now when I think of September, I think of yet another change, a more positive change in my life. The month I became a mother, to the smartest little being on earth,...well ok, to me she is.
Well, welcome September of 2010...anxiously awaiting Alexa's Carnival bang....and whatever else you will bring!