Dare to be free?

Tonight I will babble and call it a blog. I blog when I am upset, annoyed or plain frustrated about things. Sometimes so personal that the words just slowly eat at me, or land in the ears of an unlucky person J

This post will be somewhat personal as for you to truly understand the point I will attempt to make you have to understand my reality. As I have lived it for 20 some years now. I don’t need pity, I am not typing as a victim, but as someone who has experienced a few things. Nothing remotely close to what most have experienced in their lifetime though.

How free are you to be yourself? Independent, to do what you please (within limits, I guess), to be happy? To live out your dreams and potentials; how free are you to be you, the individual you were created to be. How hindered are you too? Made up? Compromised? Trapped?  What are some of your fears? Can you dare step out of the box you’ve created for you?

My head is constantly filled with these questions; early on in my adolescent years, I struggled a lot with being myself, not that I was not allowed to be, but thinking back I realized that I wasn’t encouraged to be either.  It was almost always about fitting in, pleasing this person, that friend, etc. I grew up with the best set of parents one could maybe ask for. Dad being military often times ordered us around, still very attentive and affectionate.  Mom was your typical submissive Haitian wife, very caring and dutiful to her family. Growing up I prayed to be just like her, to follow right in her footstep and play that role, the role that us women are supposed to skillfully master.

I didn’t. I haven’t. I stopped praying for that actually. Still in my teens I was sexually abused, by a man, someone close, whom I trusted. For a long time I acted as if the abuse meant nothing to me. Oprah became my sole therapist as I continued to perform on life’s stage, often alone and lonely. I became prisoner of myself, prisoner of this secret, and how it really affected me. I was more concerned about protecting everyone around me and the few people who knew were sworn to secrecy, as my parents were forbidden from ever knowing this truth. (Crap, mom is on FB and is probably reading this as we speak).

From then to now, life happened.  School, marriage, kids. I was still caged, maybe still am to some extent. For a while I lived trapped in my head and my body. My self esteem along with my many dreams became nonexistent.  I focused on what my ideas of a great life and a great marriage should be, barely living one.  Few people noticed, funny how you can make people believe whatever they want about you and your life. The other day I asked how do people know that President Obama and his wife are happy, not because I was being a pest, but because I know how it is to “look and act” happy.

I can’t blame my abuse for all my bad moments in life, but it did change me and basically shifted my source of energy. I tried to turn to God for solace, but a man of God had abused me.  So, I went to church, but with caution. God wasn’t responsible, but church became more of a social place than a spiritual, so I went, prayed but that was it. No real connection was made with God, for a while.  I know better now though, I trust God, only. Everyone else is just trying to act like they are Gods. My opinion.

I decided, almost two years ago to be free, to live freely. I opted for being an individual. I left all of my pains away two years ago, ran to the motherland to redefine myself. I know who I am now, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I am still so weak, as I am a work in progress but I am progressing, all that matters at this point. I decided that my happiness depended on me and no one else.  It is a hard life, being happy and unhindered requires commitment. Not caring and focusing on me, being an individual and holding on to my freedom as a person are some of the most important things in my life right now.

I love my husband, my family, my kids … but not more than feeling liberated and free. Not more than the strength I get in being me, as weird and weird and ….only weird keeps coming to my head.

I bite when I feel that my freedom and space are threatened. It took me a while; I am actually still at it, to trust again. My happiness revolves around me feeling safe, not by anyone, but by myself. I trust what I can do, within my limits. I trust myself, if I do it; it means I can handle what comes with doing it. Once it takes away from my peace of mind, it no longer interests me. So, I don’t bother with it.

LOL, BTW, I can sense it. The psychologists are probably at it again, analyzing me, Enjoy!

Females have a harder time finding happiness, in my opinion, as we are often shadowed by what makes our husbands or mates happy and believe it to be our own happiness. We lose our identity as we get married, I started forgetting I was named “Daphne” as I became “Mme Vlad” the day I said “I do”. People, marriage and relationships are great; this isn’t my point here though. I am not discussing the blessed union of marriage. I am discussing individualism, women individualism to be more precise.

Ok, now the overzealous Christians have surely joined the psychologist in judging me. Thy shalt not judge. Ya’ll better go repent somewhere J

Seek it, trust that God will help you find it, but first define it. Happiness isn’t the same for everyone, my happy life could well be your miserable life and vice versa. Define and accept your happiness, know your limits and always claim your freedom. Be free to think for yourself, decide for yourself and act for yourself. I am not telling you to go crazy, but follow your heart from time to time and do what pleases you.

If you are hindered from being yourself, chances are you are not happy. I am just saying. I am no Oprah though.

Commitment issues

Apparently I have a commitment problem.

For as long as I can remember I’ve committed to things and people, with minimal moaning and groaning, I usually push through and get things done. I have been married eight years to one of the most difficult man I know…well, I committed to my dad too.

And these two kids of mine!!!! Even with the many reasons to want to quit, I stick around. Like when they wake up at 5am every morning for no reason, and especially that time they oiled up my couch and were so proud to have cleaned it for me.  LOL

I’ve committed to school to a level that I am quite happy with; I could have gone even further, but I realize more and more that school isn’t quite “in” anymore ( I will never say those things in front of Alexa and Dimitri btw). So I am content, happy and enjoying my little simple life as it is.

Right now though, as I am typing this, I should be in boot camp, working out. Guess what? I am not. I can’t even talk myself into going. I am literally ashamed to even discuss it, but the bottom line is that I cannot commit to it. I refuse to do it. My brain can't process it.

Go ahead, tell me about all the benefits and how I am overweight and should do this, loose that, eat this and that. I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t have it in me to do it and most importantly commit to it.

I was talking to a friend earlier who summed it up by saying that in a way I am not committed to myself, to my health and well being. I was taken aback at first but quickly agreed that he is right. How can I know that something is good for me yet can’t commit to doing it?

But deep down inside I want to lose weight and know exactly what I need to do to lose it. (This post should be a blog btw)...keep reading. FB is my vent machine.

You know how I know that I want to lose it, cause I get so ashamed when I look at myself, knowing that I could be pretty only if I lose all of these damn pounds. Not being able to buy the clothes I want and by being complimented on having a pretty face. Most importantly by feeling unhealthy, being out of breath for no reason and feeling so tired all the time.

Oh, I am not depressed. I know you all self made psychologist have already pulled out a pen analyzing my level of craziness. Check yourselves. We all have that one or two things that we just can't commit to doing.

I have said YOLO so many times, yet I come right back to the same spot. Because deep down I am not happy with being, looking and feeling this way.

Can my head let me be ok with my body?

Emotional and spiritual jumping jacks :/

I don't believe in New Years resolutions! Mainly because I never keep them and feel like a total failure not even two months into the new year. Like i am still overweight. I typed fat but decided to be nicer to myself :/
The thought of excercizing is still so foreign to me. I had promised myself last year to read more, tweet and facebook less. Nah. Still kept the same pace.
I have thought of many ways to save more. Only to get really broke and simply think of all the ways I should have saved. Shaking My Head.
Ah blogging, I was suppose to do more of that too. And open my online business. Bref, do you get the point?
Whatever motivates most people to make resolutions and actually keep them; I don't have.

Every first of the year though, my mind runs at 100 miles an hour. Looking and silently promising myself  "a change"! A change. What could I possibly commit to doing better this year?
A whole lot! But so far, seven days into 2013 and only one thing thugs at my heart: an emotional and spiritual detox.
I am tired of being vain, thinking and constantly worrying about my looks, smarts and financial well being. This year, although not a resoution, I would like to pay attention to myself , my emotional and spiritual well being. 

Since I have moved to Haiti I have not found a home church. I am actually glad I haven't. I thought that spiritually I needed to be inside a building to trust, serve and be connected to God. It helps. But I don't feel like Ive missed much. For the kids sake I will continue to look. But.... I digress...

2012 was good but the most emotionally charged year I have gone through in a while. I shed a lot of tears. A lot. Resolution kept or not, I made it. My family made it. I am still married ( was supposed to be going through a divorce) and my kids are fine. Were sick a LOT but are healthy. My parents are still alive. Mom is doing so much better. My siblings are well and kicking. Zaria has brought such a fun and pretty addition to our lives. 
In 2013 I would like to shed everything. I'd like to pray more. Medidate more. Keep a journal again and write down how I am emotionally. To be more in tune with my feelings.

I would like to be spiritually and emotionally fit, lean and long. Hopefully, dare again. Like back in 2011(I moved back to Haiti). Take another big jump. Do something I have contemplated doing a while. Who knows. Laugh at my fears. Tackle my fears. Move past them. Do something about them. Discover new fears. I Dont Know.

In 2013 I am better spiritually, because I have decided to be. In 2013 I am better emotionally because I control my emotions and am ready to deal with the things that drain me and bring me heartaches.

So I guess I don't really need to make any new resolutions sinve I have decided and resolved my 2013 fate. It shall be as I pray and wish for. A spiritually and emotionally fit 2013. Eevrything else will fall into place, accordingly.

Happy New Year again :) 

AS IF!!!!!!!!

I will start by apologizing to my few … and I mean few, female acquaintances. It has been a while since I have had “girlfriends” and I was reminded today of why I don’t seek and really try to stay away from my kind. I really hope that you don’t take any of the following personally, but then again being the females that you are you will surely think that this blog post is about you. You’re vain, I know. I don’t care.

I recently tweeted that “females are annoying; sometimes”; well, it has been my experience that they are annoying all the time. Could it be that I am a male trapped in a female’s body? Most female ways irritate me.

Top 5 reasons females really aggravate me:

1. Drama Queens- Most girls I know, insist on making everything about them, like this whole wide world belongs to them and their silly caprices. Get a life.

2. Competitive- As if! If girls competed against what is in their brains, it would be constructive. Most females compete over the most superficial things, like looks, clothes and the worse….GUYS! So what you THINK you’re cuter, better…..you’re vain, remember.

3. Judgmental- ADJECTIVE. Tending to criticize: tending to judge or criticize the conduct of other people (Exactly what I am doing right now. I am a girl, OK)!

4. Less Fun- Is it me or are boys more fun? Less drama, less competition, less judgmental, to the point, in your face, real…..BOOM, what you see is what you get. Give me BOYS!

5. Hard to talk to- I am so tired of having to mind my mouth, girls are wayyy too sensitive for me and remember their caprices and how judgmental they are? Who has time for that?

At my age, I don’t want to give a hoot, I don’t want to care about how delicate your feelings are and feel like I am constantly in a love and hate relationship with you. I am tired of thinking you are my friend, yet you spend more time tearing me apart than building me up.

They say behind every man there’s a strong woman. Well in my experience, behind every woman there’s a gazillion of woman, like her, waiting to tear her down.


Ladies, attention!!!!

Are we there yet?

It has been five whole months since I have moved back to Haiti. I am happy to report that so far I am still alive, contrary to many beliefs no one has kidnapped me yet (mandé Bondye padon) and I have not been affected by cholera. Success, huh?

Looking for work was the hardest part of the whole process but thankfully as everyone predicted within three months I was fully employed in Haiti. I feel such pride and worth in saying that I found work all by myself, I didn’t have any “push” or “contact”. It is safe to say that my qualifications got me the job.  So far I love it here, the work in itself is great, but somehow I don’t see myself doing it for long.   

Coming to Haiti was bigger than me, it was not just about finding “a” job, it was about finding a career and work in something I am passionate about. It was about giving back my talents and abilities to Haiti so that I can proudly say one day that I helped in the efforts towards taking Haiti from point A to B. Delusional I know! It is still early, but that’s the void in me. I am longing to find that “thing” to do where I would feel happy and fulfilled every day. 

I am praying for the opportunity to bring change to people’s lives, the chance to help them better themselves, so that Haiti in turn can be better.  I long to bring a smile to a child, who hopefully will make him, even if temporarily; forget that he lives in a land that offers him no opportunity. I just would love, for a second, to believe that my move will and can mean something more than collecting a paycheck, going to the beach and being reintroduced to my mother land.   

I have done a lot in five months, more than I thought I could do. The decision to move was huge, adjusting is another achievement and I have accomplished that quite nicely. I can say that as far as Haiti is concerned I am on the road to personal success. Yet, I haven’t done enough.  So I will devote the rest of this year, to find ways to give more of myself, my time and my talent to Haiti.  It is truly time for me to develop this “give and take” relationship with the country. I will hold myself accountable to not only talk of a better country but actively work towards a better country.  As I enjoy and bathe in the beautiful sun of Haiti I need to commit to doing what I came to do.  I shall never escape that promise, because it is by giving of me that my emptiness will be filled. 

Huh????!!!!!

I know that I haven't blogged in almost two months. I have a lot to share, yet they don't make it past my forehead. 

HELP!!!

Finally here......

Its been a while since I have blogged, I was busy taking the plunge of my life. So, finally, after the many back and forth trips I am in Haiti. I plan to be here for however long it takes, hopefully Haiti doesn't kick me out again :-)
Kids are adjusting, I was worried about them not "Liking" it, well as expected they LOVE it so far. Alexa complains about the mosquitoes, which she calls "mouche". Dimitri is not getting used to the heat yet, but its a matter of time until he settlles in.
My father in loving this, he gest to permenantly be a grandfather. That I enjoy seeing on a daily basis. I am being spoiled...I know it wont last long. I am like the "just come"...everything I think of wanting I get. What a wonderful week it has been so far.
I will keep everyone posted on the time here, I feel its important to blog about my adventure, the good and the bad...so, I will try my hardest to update on a weekly basis.
Toodles...

Black Love...

February is here! I am always excited to welcome a new month!  February being here means that I survived January, with everything that it brought.  Until I moved to the States, I only thought of Valentines’ day when it came to February.  The LOVE month; the month we go all out, well some of us.   I remember visiting Madrid a few years back, on a 14^th of February, the whole city was covered in red roses, and hotels were sold out! They take that holiday that seriously.

Between Black History month and Valentine’s Day, I am feeling inspired to write about black love. Not that I have any type of prejudice against any other type or color of love….I only know about black love.  I’ve only really had a chance to admire black love.  Something about being loved and feeling loved and knowing you are loved by a black man is just magical. I won’t even venture into a Haitian man; I will keep it generalized to all black man.

I truly feel like it takes a certain woman to understand, comprehend, and appreciate a black man.  A black man, to me, often time comes with a baggage, whether it be frustration, the feeling of being misunderstood, not being good enough, it’s always something that makes them need the constant reassurance of a solid, loving woman.  It took me sometime to be that woman, but I think I am closer to being there. Love takes work; I was too young to process that before. If I knew than what I know now, about love, about my black man……….I would have made fewer mistakes, I would have loved him more, not just with my heart but my head and my complete being.

I am no expert in relationships; Lord knows I go through my ups and downs!  So much so that I am shocked at every single day that finds me still in love with my black man. Without a doubt in my head and heart, my black man loves me, he’s own way. My friends always joke around and say that he “really” loves me, the kind of love that most girls look for. He looks out for me, and always makes sure I see and feel like he has my best interest in mind.  How much our love has grown? Who would have thought? It took me simply understanding and appreciating him, for who is he to fully benefit from the love he has for me.

As the days get closer for me to move, I start to wonder how will I make it? He has truly become my black prince charming; who will look for me in the middle of the night? Who will scratch my hair, and release the constant tension in my neck? Who will cover my feet in the middle of the night, and shower me with random kisses?  Who will I cuddle with in the middle of the night? Who will wake me up in the night for those pillow talks? Whose attention will I have, whose smile, look, love? Who will call me 15 times in a row while I am out? Who’s going to spoil me, and seek out my presence all day long? Who will watch my sappy shows with me?

I pray that black love gets me through this separation….I pray that our love becomes stronger as the days goes by!

No more Drama....please

This past week was though, to say the least.  I swear sometimes I think I stay in the drama club. The more drama free I think I am, the more drama creeps up on me.  I had to sit back this past week and do a little introspective, questioning my issues and how I might contribute to the staying and perpetuating of the drama in my life.  Enough with the drama already! This time, I take none of the blame, I swear. I can be a pest, I acknowledge that, but this time around, I really, truly didn’t do it.  I have gone through dramas that make me feel like I am riding on the worse roller coaster ever, yet this time can’t compare. For some reason, this ride is rougher, these tracks rise in patterns I’m unfamiliar with, and these inversions have left me upside down.  Can someone please flip the switch? Can I be brought back to earth? Where things are usually OK for me, where people respect each other and look out for each other.

This past week was tough, to say the least.  My sister, Farah keeps reminding me that the only way I can survive life is to lower my expectations in people. The higher I put them, the more I hurt when they let me down. As if them letting me down is to be expected. We’ve all fall short, I know that. But am I to lower how I see people? My expectations, do I change them to fit how short people fall? What will be left then? Shouldn’t people aim higher? Whatever happened to accountability and trust and integrity?  Again, why should I change my standards to accommodate someone who obviously doesn’t really get it? So many questions, I know!

This past week was tough, to say the least.  I am not perfect; far from that! Ewww …I am guilty of some of the unimaginable acts, therefore I would never act like I am on a pedestal looking down and scolding others for doing wrong.  The only big difference between me and most is that I acknowledge my wrongs and am woman enough to always apologize.  Does an apology change the acts? It does not; I agree.  The apology helps though, it tells me that yes I messed up, but you know what, I was wrong. I am working on being better and not repeating those acts towards you or anyone else.  An apology can make or break a dramatic situation.  Not apologizing simply scream that the guilty party does not care, that by all means necessary they are and will not accept blame for the wrong they have done. That hurts more than the actual act; my opinion.

This past week was though, to say the least.  But notice how it’s in the past tense. Then so am I with this drama. Everyone who knows me knows that I am somewhat of a cry baby, well a huge cry baby.  Yet, I have not been able to drop not one tear…not sure that I am sad, just shocked that it all had to end like this.  Now that I have my big girl panties on, I am ready to tackle whatever comes my way, my way! I still hold people on a pedestal; I don’t want to even think that I can’t. Thinking that way will make me feel like I truly live in a jungle, with animals. Where everyone is out to fend for themselves. I don’t want to even think that way; yet.  So I am still confident that people are good at heart, they just make mistakes. I pray that they learn from them and most importantly man/woman up when they do fall and admit to their faults so that closure can be brought and trust restored.  Although in this particular instance, I won’t hold my breath…

Things I absolutely LOVE 

I have a lot on my mind tonight, yet no words comes to mind....funny huh? .....So I wanted to keep it light and just share a little about me! I will add to this whenever! Comment if you would! That way I know you stopped by...

I literally Love the color purple...like not the movie, well i like the movie, but the COLOR...get it?

I have cracked a couple of teeth on those, but they are a fav of mine!

Why can't we just wear flip flops every where and all the time?

I always LOVED cake...but I have this new found love for cupcakes...something about biting through the icing and getting into the cake! YUMMY

Eye Shadow....the crazier the color the more in love i am!

Do you really need a caption???

I dont like menthy flavored gum...THESE I love!

Who doesn't like Nutella? I eat it out of the jar, with a spoon!

What did we do before Pandora?

Do you remember life before Google?

Crazy hair accessories! The crazier the better...

Inside Story - The new variable in Haiti

Haiti Earthquke - HAARP - Jesse Ventura- Truth Exposed

Hate when I am behind schedule...

I am so behind scheduled its not even funny! I was suppose to be out of here by today, but my plans have been pushed back at least 2 weeks. I have been cultivating the art of not asking questions, so I am going with the flow, waiting patiently for things to unfold on their own.
I have had the Sunday from hell, so much so that I want to crawl into a hole and stay there, until everything around me starts to make sense again. These last few weeks I MUST make things happen, one final push so that I can finally get this ball rolling.

I cannot afford to cater to outside distractions. This year, so far the same lesson keep resurfacing...stay motivated on yourself and your family. The people who matter the most. Do not give any more of yourself towards anyone or anything else. So, for once, I must not be stubborn. I must listen and do as I am told. Motivation, the name of  the game!

CHAVEZ : LE DRAME D'HAITI ET L'IMPERIALISME

My day through images....Not much words for the day I had...:-(

Discours de l’ancien dictateur Jean Claude Duvalier

Chers amis de la presse,

Je vous remercie d’avoir répondu à mon invitation de ce jour et saisis cette opportunité qui m’est offerte de m’adresser a mes concitoyens.
Très brièvement, je vous dirai combien j’ai été favorablement impressionné par l’accueil qui m’a été réservé depuis l’Aéroport International Francois Duvalier pour cette visite, surtout par cette foule de jeunes qui ne m’ont pas connu.

Cela donne chaud au cœur. M di yo mèsi anpil, m’te kontan viv moman sa-a.
Cela dit, je sais à quel point nombre de vous sont curieux de savoir l’objet de mon retour à Port-au-Prince après un quart de siècle d’absence. Cette question est sur toutes les lèvres.
En effet, j’ai voulu rendre un hommage aux nombreuses victimes du séisme dévastateur du 12 janvier 2010 qui a fait, selon des estimations officielles, trois cent seize mille (316.000) morts. Malheureusement, je ne suis pas arrivé à temps pour cette commémoration.

Chers compatriotes,
Me voici revenu vous témoigner de ma solidarité en cette période extrêmement difficile de la vie nationale où vous êtes encore des centaines de milliers à vivre à la belle étoile, au milieu des ruines. Dès l’instant que j’ai pris la décision de revenir en Haiti pour commémorer avec vous, dans notre pays, ce triste anniversaire, je m’attendais à toute sorte de persécutions ; mais croyez-moi, le désir de participer à vos cotés, à cette Konbit pour la reconstruction nationale, dépasse de loin les tracasseries auxquelles je pourrais être confronté… Peu importe le prix à payer, l’essentiel pour moi étant de me trouver avec vous. Et j’affirme qu’à ce titre, tous les Haïtiens et Haïtiennes de bonne volonté ont le droit de vouloir y prendre part.

Je saisis cette occasion pour présenter publiquement mes sympathies à mes millions de partisans qui, après mon départ volontaire d’Haiti, afin d’éviter un bain de sang et de faciliter le dénouement rapide de la crise politique, en 1986, ont été livrés à eux-mêmes. Des milliers ont été lâchement assassinés, boucanés, grillés, suppliciés au « pè lebrun », mot devenu tristement célèbre ; leurs maisons, leurs biens pillés, déchoukés , incendiés. Et tout cela, sous les feux des caméras du monde entier.
Je saisis aussi cette occasion pour exprimer, une fois de plus, ma profonde tristesse à l’endroit de mes compatriotes qui se reconnaissent, à juste titre, d’avoir été victimes sous mon gouvernement.

Jeunesse de mon pays,
Durant mon long séjour en France, j’ai toujours été attentif à vos cris et à vos malheurs. J’ai vécu vos moments difficiles avec beaucoup de peine et de chagrin. C’est à vous, futurs leaders de ce pays, qu’il convient d’assumer la relève et montrer au monde que l’âme haïtienne est bien vivace et forte.
Et comme pour parodier le Révérend Martin Luther King : « quand vous ferez en sorte que la cloche de la réconciliation nationale puisse résonner dans tous les cœurs et que nous la laissions carillonner dans chaque commune, dans chaque ville, dans chaque quartier , dans chaque foyer, alors, nous pourrons hâter la venue du jour où tous les enfants d’Haiti, hommes et femmes, vieux et jeunes, riches et pauvres, ceux de l’intérieur comme ceux de la diaspora, puissent marcher la main dans la main sans exclusion et participer ensemble à la renaissance d’Haiti ».

Tel est le message de mon retour.

Vive Haiti ! Que Dieu nous bénisse !

Merci

My silly Rabbits!

 I love them, I live for them

As the world turns.....

Today I was thinking about life, and I thought of my dad…

My dad is a hand’s on kind of father. Growing up he was always there. Some kids complain about their parents not being present in their lives, well for me it was different. Let’s just say that by the time I was fifteen I was really wishing and praying for the type of dad who did not notice the smallest of things.  I remember the conversations around the dinner table in the afternoons, I remember him making sure we are studying.  I remember the fun times; hanging out at the house, the trips to Jacmel, Port-de-Paix, etc.  Dad putting together a baptism ceremony for our dolls when we were little girls, he and mom took care of all the details, taking the celebration further than we could have ever imagined. Guests were invited, mom sewed the doll’s dresses, a cake was made, and small little finger foods were prepared and served. Dad acted like the pastor and the little dolls lives were presented to God.  He was and remains to be that kind of a dad.

My dad has this land in Cesselesse, Haiti, I vividly remember him talking about it. How he would build five houses on it; four in each corner of the land and one in the middle, he would describe with such passion how once he retired he would take our kids to school in the morning, or take them on the weekends so that we could enjoy our lives.  Again, dad was a hand’s on kind of father who could not wait to see us graduate from school and get married.   I remember him talking about us getting married in the house we lived in; he would detail how it would happen and all.

My dad is and always was a stand up guy, excessively cautious some might say. He never really took risks or shortcuts; he always went about things the way they were supposed to be done.  Until this day, complete strangers tell me, how he is a stickler for order and discipline. I have had people who work with him tell me that because of him they missed out on a lot of illegal “opportunities”, he just would not allow it. Ironic for someone who was part of an institution blamed for so much injustice and unfairness.  To many, it almost goes against logic, to say that someone who was part of the Haitian military was a stand up guy. How do you defend that? I can, many others can and have.  

My dad is the silent type guy, the more he is in the shadow the better. High ranked, yet no one knew him. I went to school with people my whole life who never even knew who and or what my father was or did. Following those facts I am always puzzled by how life turned on him, us as a family.  How is it that he became a victim? Many have been victimized; I am focusing on my dad though, because I know him. I can vouch for him and loudly say that he was done wrong.  The taste of life has been taken away from him unjustly. 

Today I was thinking about life and thought of dad, thought about how my dad’s life would be right now, had he been a doctor, or a social worker.  I remember his stories of how he wanted to go to medical school, or to become a social worker. How, for a good part of his life he wanted to work in human services; any field that worked or dealt with developing and helping people. I

Today I was thinking about life and thought of dad, wondering if the cards had been played differently if he would have lost a good part of his adulthood as he has now.  My dad has missed most of our graduations, he’s only seen me get married and that’s because I got married in Haiti. I remember him complaining that he hasn’t gotten to witness any of his girls pregnant yet, he still has some grand children that he has never met.  Quite frankly the others he has met them but they don’t know him. My dad, not being around us and his grand kids to spoil them is just wrong; its injustice in its pure form.  This is truly the worst thing that could have ever happened to such a family man as my dad.

So today, I was thinking about life and just got real upset! Upset at how it can destroy a man in a sense.  I miss and think about how our lives could have been a lot, especially lately.  I think of all of those wonderful plans we had as a family but I am left with a dad stuck in Haiti, a mom sick in Boston, a brother in Afghanistan, niece and nephew in California, me moving back to Haiti, leaving a husband and sisters in Tampa! Is that really the essence of life? What good are we to each other as a family when we are all away from each other? Is that what we signed up for? Where did we go wrong? What happened? Can you piece it back together Lord? 

My hope is that one day soon, before his taken from us, he gets to enjoy those tiny little pleasures of life again. I hope that for every year he is away from us, God adds a couple of more to his, so that we can all enjoy the great reunion. Hoping!